Coping

Despite all the supportive comments and e-mails, I can't say I've been coping real well over the last couple of weeks. In fact, I generally feel like I'm falling apart. Though, I'm sure that was pretty obvious by now.

I put on a good show in front of the people that will remember if I don't, but most days I can't even bring myself to answer the phone. I've been going to work like usual, sometimes a little later than I should be. I've missed a class or two, but nothing that should do any real harm. To most people, the irritations have appeared minor.

In reality, I have been coping by shutting down. I have abanoned people that have needed my support. The blog has gone without much posting. E-mails go unanswered for days or weeks, if they ever get answered at all. My phone runs out of battery before I am willing to even look at it, and the voicemails just keep piling up without ever being heard.

Naturally, I have found myself at a breaking point or two as a result of this unhealthy habit of mine ... That evening in my office where I just had to close the door to make the Live sex chat world go away, or the evening I sat crying by the sink on the floor of a public restroom, or the nights I lay in bed with the tears welling up in my eyes as I pray that the morning will never come, just so that I don't have to put on the mask and face the world again before I'm ready to.

I always knew that shutting down was how I coped, but I couldn't see until now how far away from reality that place really can be. There is a part of me that can see the danger and the red flags in all of this, but that part of me doesn't usually win out. And unfortunately, through all of the abandonment and lack of trust in my short life, I just haven't quite learned anything better.

So I continue on, behind my mask of strength, coping with the negative as best I can despite the flawed methods ... hoping that the sun will soon burn through the clouds and shed the rays of warm sun on my face again.

Even in Death...

It is going to take a lot of time for me to accept that my grandmother is gone and that she was stolen away by some selfish prick with nothing better to do than drink his pathetic life away. I'm incredibly angry at life for taking her now, like this, so unfairly.

But even in death there is still a silver lining, of sorts ... I suppose ... In some sick and morbid way, I'm kind of glad that my grandmother died the way she did - she died being who she was - a helper, a doer, and one stubborn lady.

You see, my grandmother was not your typical lady. Her husband died of cancer over 40 years ago, leaving her to raise 3 kids on her own. After that she designed and built the house she lived in for the rest of her life. She was a school teacher with two Masters Degrees and a world traveler that most military personnel couldn't hold a candle to. There are places that today even young Jasmin live men should be careful about traveling to that she brazenly went to over the last 25 years, even as an elderly woman. She followed protocol and custom, always learning about cultures around the world - I found no less than 5 foreign language dictionaries on just one of her bookshelves. She was a ground breaking woman that did what she thought was right, regardless of how difficult it might be.

Even in her death, she will continue to push the limits of what society has accepted as normal. This time, she will be the center of creating a new local legal precedent. The case brought against the other driver will be the first in the county to be prosecuted under new, stricter, and more lengthy maximum punishments. As tough as it will be, I'm am glad that my grandmother, such a strong woman in life, will continue to help her fellow man through her death.

Already?

My parents aren't even in town yet and already they are arguing ...

I'm not sure the Marriott can handle them both in the same building for the four nights they will both be staying.

Maybe I can check them into rooms on opposite corners of the hotel and on floors as far away from one another as possible?

Let's hope so ...

Your Friendly Blog-o-sphere Car Salesman...

Yep, Eric of SWG should become the 'sphere car salesman. How do I know? Listen to the dream I woke from this morning.

Setting: Large-scale blogmeet of some kind, as best as I can figure

Everyone is having a good time, chit-chatting, laughing (lots of laughing), having some munchies and a few drinks. Most everyone knows each other in some capacity, but there's this one guy ....

He's a big guy. Very tall, large bone structure, and of formidable weight. No one seems to know who he is or where he came from. People try to include him in conversation and be polite, but he is a master of concealing any meaningful information that may reveal his identity or connection to the LiveJasmin gathering. He looks no one in the face as he talks and focuses his attention in a general downward direction. There remains a purposeful air of mystery around him and confusion in his wake.

From somewhere in the house Eric stumbles upon the scene, determined to bring some comedy to the scene. The next thing you know, the big guy is fairly drunk. Yet, he is still far more interested in keeping his head down, curt conversation, and the snack table than much blogger-style socialization. So Eric presses the envelope a little more.

Eric starts chatting up the big guy about anything he has expressed an interest in or a desire for. Given his attention on the snack plate, many food items were discussed. Suddenly, Eric starts offering to sell him things.

"5 bucks for a bag of those cashews to take home with you, Buddy"

"How about some of those olives for later? Just a couple dollars"

And the offers expanded...

"Seems you really like the style of this table. It's yours if you've got about 45 greenbacks you want to part with"

"The ring? Yeah, it's a nice ring. I tell you what, I'll let it go for a C note if you really want it that bad. You're a good guy."

We all stood around in amazement. This guy was taking every offer Eric threw his way. Big dude's wallet was hemorrhaging. At some point it became a sport that we all started betting on.

The big money was on how much trouble Eric was going to be in with Mrs. SWG though. She walked out and we all got dead silent. Eric took his new customer to investigate more potential sales. All that could be heard behind them was nervous laughter and shuffling, uneasy feet.

We reluctantly clued Mrs. SWG in that her husband was auctioning off their belongings to a stranger. She paused for a minute and her face tightened. Until she got curious, "How much is he selling us down the river for?"

We relayed the prices on things and she burst into a fit of laughter. Seems Eric was taking the big guy for the ride of his life. All the prices were at least 75% above the item's real value, if not twice that.

So personally, I think Eric would be perfect for 'sphere car salesman. Just don't buy a car from him now that you know why he got the job. But the ellipses would really put newbies at ease ...

Girl Interrupted

I just flew back into D.C. .... and boy my arms are tired ...

The blogging has sucked lately since I've been out of town and it doesn't look like it will get any better any time soon...

Mom gets to town tomorrow

Dad/Bro/Aunt/Friend get to town Thurs

No idea when g-ma gets to town ... last I heard her plans to drive were foiled by the power steering in her car that couldn't be readily fixed.

I'll be with at least 2 family members every day for the rest of the entire month ... I may need someone to come break me out of the looney bin or jail by the time this is overwith. With my luck, probably both at some point ...

The worst part is that I'm really starting to miss being able to write about what's going through my head ... stupid responsibilities ...

I've been severely interrupted